Self-doubt And The Likes: A Piece Of Me

So I sit down to write and I find myself doubting whether I will be able to churn up a good post or rather, put my thoughts into words most precisely as they fleet through my mind. This is not the first time this stump of doubt has left me wondering about my writing abilities. I find the same, old, irksome piece of bone gnawing at my peace of mind, every time I sit down to write – be it a story, a poem, or maddeningly enough, even a personal rant, which I assume, I would be the best one to be writing. Even when the heinous mote of doubt lurks as a shadow in the precincts of my conjuring mind, I somehow make my up mind to bring to life the idea that sprouted in my mind anyway. This has been a routine, since forever. No, wait. How can it be since forever, when the fact remains that I started ‘writing’ when I was 20 years old. Random thoughts on the many inconspicuous nooks of my belongings wouldn’t classify as writing, I believe, even though, they could be the first appreciated signs of the likelihood of spring around the corner.

So, I am confiding in you the secret that I started writing when I was 20 years old. A whole post on the rationale of my naive mind which tugged me back from even trying to write could be read here and hence, I am not going into the details of the same. The point is, good things have happened to me when I yearn for it with all my heart. I am a Piscean and I am an undeniable one at that too. I am indecisive most of the times and I wish to be assured of the genuineness and wiseness of my plans by a second person, so that I would go forward with it sans hesitation and with a mind not muddled with paranoia. Does that make me weak? I don’t know. It is not that I cannot come to a decision alone; it is simply that I make happy decisions with a speck-free mind when someone agrees to my line of thought. But there have been times, when the little fish in me is all charged up and resolute, when I ultimately find me speaking up for myself, not feeling the awkward need to have someone shout ‘You couldn’t have made a better decision’, inorder to let me going. And the truth remains that during such situations, I would go forward with the decision, even if a second person disagrees to the same. I try hard to let my reasoning insinuate into the other person, so that he/she too would understand the amount of passion the decision invokes in me. And this usually happens when I am about to do something I have been longing to do with all my heart for some time. Indecisiveness comes sneaking in through my determined mould nevertheless, but I garner the courage to defy them in the end, so that I could at last acquire that pristine grail of happiness that one is presented with when we embark on a journey we have been dying to get on board for so long.

It so happens then that the tiny stains of doubt are wiped clean from the surface of my mind eventually and I find myself giving wings to my thoughts, at those times. And the emotion that descends on me when I sit admiring a finished piece of writing is priceless; something which, I am almost completely sure, I shall be addicted to forever. The key to writing a good piece, or for that matter, doing anything worthy, is to finally shred those dark, ugly cloaks of self-doubt and apprehension, and do it, come hell or high water.There is no point in waiting for the right moment to do something worthy. The moment you start doing something which you think is worthy enough, would undoubtedly be the best moment for it to happen.

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